My self, my mind or my ego

It is true that you will get what you pray for. But the higherself would provide you "help" only when it sees that help would benefit you spiritually.

I prayed for a good mentor for my spiritual development. I mean there are many of them 'out there' but of course you never know who is who; and the one with a bit of ego would take you to places where you never want to go to.

I received spiritual lessons recently with an increasing advanced pace. Today i want to talk about my recent lesson: the ego.

The ego or i also call 'the mind' is actually me, acting, talking, eating, driving exactly the same as i do - because in a sense - it is ... me. It bears my name. Because the real ME don't actually have a 'name'. My name is how people call you since i was born and i just believe that it associate to my identity. For so long, i misunderstood and believe that i am 'myself', my mind, my ego. So long that it's so hard to let it go so that i can be the real 'myself'.

My mind always wants to compare, wants to have, wants to ... think. It never stops desiring anything from money, education, status to ... love, careness, pride... Aren't they the source of suffering? Our minds always want to be someone. Our minds always want to be some where else; they always want to think ahead; they always get irritated when getting criticized;  they don't want to accept that they are wrong; they are always against the change; they are like 'untamed horses' - like the Budhha said; they need to be better than other 'minds' or 'ego' or 'selves'; they must have this, have that because they believe without those properties, they are not 'themselves' anymore; they are afraid therefore they cling to any 'safety net' they can find or can ... think of. They can't stop thinking. They can't stop reasoning and trying to find the ... fairness, equality for their egos.

We rarely are aware of where we are right at this moment and stay with that for a long time. The same can be said with our movements. We walk, we work, we walk but our mind (yes, our mind) is somewhere else. That's why we are always sleeping; because we are not ... mentally HERE right NOW. We haven't stayed alive for long. The feeling of being aware where we are and what we are doing is so peaceful and lively. I've been practicing it for a while now and I felt so ... alive.

But for so long the ego has been tricking me as it is me. So it controls me most of the time. It is hard to control it for all time. It IS really an untamed horse.

One of the obstacles that i am working on right now is the mental noises. They are noisy, and scary. Have it happened to you that the last song you were listening before leaving your car got stuck in your head like for ever? All the thoughts, songs, lyrics, hymn, calculations, thoughts, thoughts about emotion ... that spiral in our head and never go away are taking so much of our energy which is supposed to be used for something better.

I don't think i can 'kill' my ego or my self, or my mind but i may be able to completely tame it someday and make it work for me like a good horse. I should think only what i want to think. I should want only what i want. I should be able to control its pride also (which always want to be better people). It's scary when i thought that i am totally ok for being not better than anyone; but when someone pointed out my error (which was not mine at the time) then i got mad. What's wrong with being mad in that case, u may ask? That would lead to a whole different topic. But for some simple explanations, all i could say is: the mind doesn't want to feel inferior to other 'minds'; it requires things need to be fair and always wants to fight, to struggle. It simply doesn't understand the universal rules and even if it heard about it, it doesn't want to believe (even though we 'think' that we believe that)...

I refuse to identify myself with my mind, my 'self' or my ego.

My Path - First day of aura training

Since the freshmen year, I chose not to be in class all the time. I couldn't stay at home because my parents were paying for my intuition fee so i went to the parks, cheap and quiet cafe shops or the temples to study. I find the spiritualism always intrigues me. I have a strong feeling whatever i do, wherever i go, i ended up researching about spiritualism. Now the word 'spiritualism' could be interpreted in different ways but what i meant here is about spiritual development, the understanding about the universe (universal laws), the harmonic way of living, finding the peace inside, thoughts control, 'peripheral' senses re-activation,...

My girlfriend and i trained to see aura last night the first time and we both saw 'something'. Here are my results: i saw her face become transparent into another mention, it's more real than 3D (isn't it strange). I was shocked a bit but i guess that's because my physical sense and my astral sense not knowing each other well yet. I saw a glow of shadow about 1 inch right outside her head and next to it is a stripe of white/yellow light about half an inch thick. Sometimes I saw a blue/yellow light not in any shape around her head (and also on her face)