I woke up today and found myself different. It was at first the feeling of lacking sleep but I counted enough 8 hours I had. Then I thought to myself that was because of the sleeping in we had over the weekend. We didn't wake up until noon and slept around 2am. That might be the cause of this weakness and headache I was having... but there was a much stronger emotion I had and I tried so much to get it out of my mind. The feeling of transferring. I bet everyone has had this feeling at least once in his/her lives. The feeling when you finished studying in a school and the system made you go to another school, leaving everything you knew behind. When you looked at everything around you, they seemed so strange and so far from you as you knew you would not see them again. The last time I had this feeling was before I moved to the States. I was about 9 years younger than now. My mom and I was walking out of the hospital where we had the health exams required by the immigration services prior to emigrate to the 'dream-land' (in quotes) America. Mom and I was having the exact same thoughts when we walk through the ailes where very sick patients lied waiting for their beds and/or their treatments. It's a common thing to see in hospitals in Saigon where cancer patients don't have enough money to pay for their treatment and even their stay. We felt so bad for them but at the same time, we felt like we were getting out of this ... hell.. That was exactly how I felt... I was transferring. Separated. Out-of-this-world. Scattering. Not-connected with the material world around me. Cold-blooded.
When you put on your jacket on in the morning and walk out that door. You can't be sure that you will be back for dinner. If anything happens and you know what I mean, you are transferring... That's how I felt like today. I looked around me at work; I looked at everything on my desk, my mouse, my monitor, my keyboard, the feel of the woody table as I touched it... everything seemed so ... strange, so bizarre. The thought I had in mind was "I'm almost done with this. I'm out of here." And I knew it's not just about the work, the job or the company. It's about this Earth that I felt like I was leaving. And I was not scared. Then I tried not to think about it. I guess I was scared :)
I was driving home and feeling like I was on drug. I didn't feel like I was driving. I looked at the rear mirror and it was different. I know it's too much of this repetition already but that's what I thought: too much. Let's end this. All of a sudden, I became aware of the environment around me. I looked at cars driving next to me and on the opposite traffic knowing that there is at least one individual human exists in one of them and all of these belong to Earth. I could picture anyone of us hovering way up toward the sky looking down a small blue globe and thinking what the hell I was killing each other for? Right after this vision I suddenly felt a very strong vibration of love to everything I saw around me and I realized that I was so small... I know, this by any means has no connection to the feeling of separateness I mentioned earlier but I just want to blog as detailed as I can how and what I felt. I felt happy. I felt loved. Then I smiled then asked myself: "This, is the love of God, of one-being... is it this simple?" and I think I heard "yes"...
I came home and talked to my family, watched TV, news trying to get myself grounded as much as I could. I made myself a cup of hot tea as my girlfriend advised. I felt 'better'... again, in quotes, it only depends on what direction you define: good. Maybe I decided to stay? And that's for the 'better'? :)
Have yourself a cup of hot tea.
